flings and skydiving

i may or may not be inventing a mental shortlist of things i shouldn't do to ease numbness and boredom.

items also considered involve shampooing my coffee-maker, googling "taco bell dog" and partaking in boxing matches with the wall(s).

but maybe i should take a lesson from jerry and focus on eating more fish.

a thought for today: what about bob?


i'm not sure i follow

i heard today (and most days) that god was on the move. i'm not sure i follow...

there's some problems that i have with the concept of god:

1. i truly can't reconcile the bible to reality (vice versa???)
there are problems that i've run into, like "whatever things you ask for in prayer you will receive" [link], etc

2. i truly also can't reconcile the bible to itself.
"love your neighbor as yourself." & "if someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also" [link]


"'i have delivered him and all his people and his land into your hand'... and we utterly destroyed them... utterly destroying the men, women, and children of every city." [link]
"and the lord listened to the voice of israel and delivered up the canaanites, and they utterly destroyed them and their cities." [link]
"and the lord our god delivered him over to us; so we defeated him, his sons, and all his people. we took all his cities at that time, and we utterly destroyed the men, women, and little ones of every city; we left none remaining. we took only the livestock as plunder for ourselves, with the spoil of the cities which we took." [link]


"you shall not take vengeance" [link]
"take vengeance" [link]

&*)these are preliminary examples(

3. currently having trouble connecting the biblical writings with many previous "moves of god."
mm, mmm, mhmm




what is normalcy?

as of late, i've been hashing out some things that have to do with life. i have stir-fry brains in a medium-hot pan, simmering...

there was a time when i would do most anything for a cigarette... and those things are deadly. what gives?

there was a song once that, when i listened to it, made me feel all dark and powerful. then i got into a pretty intense nde at sixty miles an hour while listening to it. i was a passenger.

the next day the driver got into a real car accident while listening to it. as far as i can tell, neither of these were this individual's fault.

i have, multiple times, been creeped out by the (improv) music i was playing.

right now there are multiple people in my yard up to their chests in mud, breathing hard and chatting away in spanish while they destroy the root system of the nearest tree.

i'll pose the question again: what is normalcy?


on politics

i have long been considering the merits of becoming an angry political blogger, someone who really gives it to the world - keyboard style. this post just might just be my entrance into the realm of kids that have virtually no frame of reference and absolute loads of passionate ramblings.
let me explain: once in along while i sit down in front of a television and postulate and cogitate about the political issues that are raging that day. i inevitably end up watching news and/or political and current events commentary and starting caring about some international crisis or the secret lives of politicians and sports stars. this lasts for about three days, and then i return to a a gripping and permeating apathy.
apathetically speaking, i do very well not to give a single care to the organised world outside my apartment. i can live without the worries and responsibilities that are imposed by relating to social groupings in an official capacity... and i have to wonder if i really gain anything from engaging in political endeavours. in my experience, more change is effected through slow-pace day-to-day relationships.



that morning
i awakened friday morning to something cold.. freezingggg!
snow... in november?
the morning dew... indoors?
the ice-pick-chiseled soul of a woman-so-heartless? not likely
it was a can of rockstar.

the chiseled snowy dew of loveliness
neo and coddie, after dropping andrew off at school, had discovered their communally shared desire not to go to school. their solution? a no-school party!
plans were made. discussions took place. a 7-11 clerk was consulted, and supplied the ably...
a rockstar???!
a rockstar!!!: )
my pulse started.

the formative moments of frivolity
bags of chips staggered about on the floor, as a single box of oreos cast nondescript glances at me from the desk above. this was going to be a very good day. what should we do? whatever we wanted.

behold! a new paragraph
so we played video games, and facebooked, and reveled. andrew's mom gave us cobbler (she has a new oven that she keeps trying out). it was grand like marzipan. and later there was guitar playing and the general hanging out-ity. the moral of this story? don't just wake up... wake up and skip school.


the reasons "why?" should be the preeminent question

then i sat down with my keyboard,
print media on her knees
but who cares about the endscore?
its a fight we want to see

and i decided not to mind...

that somedays it takes a bassline to start my pulse
and sometimes i'm entrapped in all these plotlines
i hyphenate and oscillate with the speed of the feed
'cause i'm a walking, living, breathing everything


dude, where's my car?

in uncertain times, there is often that question or those questions that conciousness of alert people throughout the span of crisis. one or more questions surface and resurface, offering the opportunity for clarity by means of their resolution. i am writing today because one of those questions, those subconsciously strategic musings that is burning a hole in my conciousness -

am i parked in the lbcc albany campus parking lot?

i realize that the reader probably has similar (if not identical!) musings of their own. it is common to question here and now, and uncommon to have clarity about something which you are not so-far removed from.

however, in wrestling with this issue, i have devised a series of sub-questions, each of which, properly pondered might lead the reader closer to knowing the truth (if there is such a thing) about the location of their vehicle(s).

first of all, search your soul... do you remember circling an insanely packed spread of pavement for an unreasonable quantities of time, in search of parking?

did you brave construction zones, inattentive drivers, and/or incompetent and overimportant security officers?

...by the way, did you receive, for the fifth time this week, a notice on your windshield reminding you to register your vehicle and warning you of nefarious and undefined repercussions, should you park without registration one more freaking time?

in the process of parking, did you get passed by, and/or cut off by at least two self-important hicks in monster trucks, going way the hell too fast?

if the answer to all of these questions is "yes," it may be safe to assume that you are indeed parked in the lbcc albany campus parking lot.


respecting diversity

in the emu today (memorial union, u of o), i stopped at a petition table to see what it was they were collecting support for. an older man with long hair explained to me that they were petitioning for the reversal of a recent addition to the law - possible military time for students who receive a drug conviction while on financial aid.

"it used to be that you just had to give the money back," he explained. "now they can make you go into the military."

i listened with unfeigned interest. i don't always love to hear people's opinions, but i'm trying hard to respect them.

having said that, i actually am really fascinated by the issues surrounding marijuana use. i enjoy hearing people's opinions about them..

he encouraged me to sign.

i turned him down. i said that i think marijuana abuse isn't a good thing, and that if students on financial aid are participating in it, then they probably deserve some military time.

ok. let's think about it for a minute: financial aid comes from taxes. taxes come from people with jobs.

if people are caught using others' money, which is designated for their education, for drugs then i believe that they should give something back to the people they were, in essence, stealing from. serving in the military is a good way to give back...

well that's my opinion. when i told the man, i was surprised when he replied:
"people who think that need to be cut off."
then he actually go up from his table, turned his back and started to walk off.

he didn't respect my opinion at all. i obviously showed interest in what he had to say, but he didn't try at all to see where i was coming from... how could that be? i thought the diversity crowd would respect everyone's opinions (since everyone has had unique experiences in their lives).

i realized that the difference between me and that older man goes down to the roots, the core values so to speak. we have a fundamental difference:

his core value is tolerance. the message of tolerance is: "respect everyone's opinions and actions so that we can have diversity of thought, idea and relationship."

this man perceived that my ideas conflicted with his. he sensed that both our realities can't exist side by side. in his perception, my ideas were threatening diversity.

the way i thought was dangerous to him because the basis of his worldview is his belief. if i can so easily believe the opposite, and our ideas can't both be correct, then his perception is that i can't be tolerated.

people who have a core value of tolerance can't tolerate someone whose beliefs are directly opposed to them because, in their minds, someone like that threatens tolerance. in practice, tolerance kind of doubles back on itself.

my core value is love. love's message is, among other things, patience, kindness, avoiding envy pride and rudeness, and refusing to seek its own. love hopes all things and endures all things.

i can respect his opinion (even if i had been sure it was wrong) because i respect him as a person. and i can love and respect him a person because he's made in god's image. that's god's love working in me: )
i believe that the truth isn't held up by something so flimsy as a person's belief, but that there is an absolute truth. absolute truth is reality as it is perceived by (and revealed to us by) god...

so i'm not worried about being wrong. i would be just fine if that guy is right or if i'm right, or if we're both wrong. i know that no matter what god is right, and i'm actively trusting him to reveal the truth to me as i need it.

the divergence between our core values made a world of difference. if your core value is tolerance, then many of your relationships with people who disagree with you will become strained or nonexistent. ironically, you won't be able to tolerate them.

but if you make love a core value, and love people first, a healthy tolerance becomes part of that love. the apostle paul said, "love... hopes all things, endures all things."


they cheer for static

i sat on the couch. she sat kitty-cornered on the other couch.
she smiled a cute little smile.

"sarah," i managed. "is it over?"


i gazed a markedly dismal gaze that she didn't even attempt to return. i saw that she would keep staring away.
directly in front of her rested a television. blank blackness was all i saw. the movie was clearly...
i pulled the blinds on the shady silence: "is it over now?"

"no." more staring.

the television broke into static.

"they're fighting again!!! go white!"

then she left the room.
i heard the adjacent room come alive. "guys! its happening again... ants're fighting again!... come on!" suddenly they were all approaching the first room with speed.

"go black!"
"come on white"
"go-o white"

this was the story. this was the struggle. for some unknown reason, when VHS tapes came to their end, the epic battles between the black and the white ants were televised.


how simple had i been to think that the movie was over? how foolish... how could i... how could i think that that all this conflict was only static. this was valiant, for all antkind...
i began to ponder. i had a dream. a dream of a world where all ants - black and white - could live together freely. no more fighting on tv. no more battles each time a VHS ends, or a channle isn't coming in clear. they could share the screen, coexist. no more needless and painful conflicts...

click. my brother had turned off the tv.

"black won!"

'so much for dreaming,' i thought.