some thoughts on abandoning christianity

crack a window and let the
universe in

days are blurring together. 
i am more frequently confronted with the probability that it is naive to assume God in anything, and deceptive to pretend He is. a nostalgically charged song pervades my subconsciousness, and suddenly instead i want this or that (him or her)...

in the abjectly pretended certainty of such observational claims, my thoughts are revealed as frivolous little adventures. 'isn't that cute?' quips a sarcastic and unassuming self from somewhere below the calm.

maybe most of the trouble is all my assuming. other people who dropped serious christianity to sink like the millstone it is have ended up as addicts, as unstable flounderers in the ocean outside. it's hard to abandon your basis for reality, no matter how fucked up it is. it's hard to be unsure, and it's easy to be wrong.

but i can't live life on unstable assumptions; not even for convenience sake. a modern augustine might have said: 'the church is a violent, racist, sexist, slave-mongering, war-justifying, genocidal whore. and i hate that bitch.'

it's disconcerting to apply a modern perspective to a religion that has asserted its infallibility through dozens of wars, thousands of internal schisms and at least a few witch hunts... it's disconcerting, but it needs to be done. otherwise people will keep telling me that we've finally got it right.

wrong again
i will inevitably have to face up to a steadily lengthening list of inadequacies. but my pathetic notions of certainty didn't make me any more right, any more wrapped up in love.

i invite the reader to celebrate the realization that they are right about everything but possibly a few minor points in their theological doctrine. others who disagree are either ignorant, rebellious or the ever-popular "led astray."

as for me, i don't know the way to where i hope He is. and this is such a horribly big deal.


  1. "as for me, i don't know the way to where i hope He is. and this is such a horribly big deal."

    I got shivers when I read that last line.

    "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through [reason]."
    - Modern self-intellect

  2. "But when he came to his senses , he said . . . I will get up and go to my Father." Luke 15:17-18. John Pyles

  3. @anonymous: that is a fascinating perspective. your comment has stirred a lot of thoughts (go figure) and emotions.

    @grandpa: story as truth, yeah?

  4. I'm not even quite sure what this post means yet, but I'm going to read it until I find out. Thanks for publishing your insights on life; it's really comforting not feeling like the only one trying to find some answers, however naive that is.

  5. I feel this way exactly. Like I'm just on the brink of discovering that all my life I have lived in this paradigm of God filled with assumptions and the "faith" of believing what I was told. And I never stopped to even question how others lived their lives. It's like I knew what was right before I knew what it was like to experience wrong. I have so many questions. It just doesn't add up anymore. Thank you for writing this, it's comforting to know that you feel it too.- Emily Skipper

  6. @emily: i am so glad you're looking too : )

  7. @milo: hey, you're welcome. i'd love to hear your insights too : )