crack a window and let the
days are blurring together.
i am more frequently confronted with the probability that it is naive to assume God in anything, and deceptive to pretend He is. a nostalgically charged song pervades my subconsciousness, and suddenly instead i want this or that (him or her)...
in the abjectly pretended certainty of such observational claims, my thoughts are revealed as frivolous little adventures. 'isn't that cute?' quips a sarcastic and unassuming self from somewhere below the calm.
maybe most of the trouble is all my assuming. other people who dropped serious christianity to sink like the millstone it is have ended up as addicts, as unstable flounderers in the ocean outside. it's hard to abandon your basis for reality, no matter how fucked up it is. it's hard to be unsure, and it's easy to be wrong.
but i can't live life on unstable assumptions; not even for convenience sake. a modern augustine might have said: 'the church is a violent, racist, sexist, slave-mongering, war-justifying, genocidal whore. and i hate that bitch.'
it's disconcerting to apply a modern perspective to a religion that has asserted its infallibility through dozens of wars, thousands of internal schisms and at least a few witch hunts... it's disconcerting, but it needs to be done. otherwise people will keep telling me that we've finally got it right.
i will inevitably have to face up to a steadily lengthening list of inadequacies. but my pathetic notions of certainty didn't make me any more right, any more wrapped up in love.
i invite the reader to celebrate the realization that they are right about everything but possibly a few minor points in their theological doctrine. others who disagree are either ignorant, rebellious or the ever-popular "led astray."
as for me, i don't know the way to where i hope He is. and this is such a horribly big deal.